I’ve been down in the dumps lately and thought maybe I should say what I’m thankful for and remind myself all that I have in life.
1. My iPod Touch. The thing is glued to me. I used to stress when I’d get stuck at a train on the way to work but now I just have it there and can play a game while waiting and keep myself calm. I listen to the music all day long and in the evening it’s so much easier to check Facebook, etc. through that then getting out my clunky laptop, which the laptop seems to make time disappear magically.
2. My BFF. I haven’t seen her since she got married in September 2006 but talk to her without almost every single day. I can tell her anything and know she’s not judging me and will help me through the latest crisis whether it be my IF or something as simple as putting on two different shoes in the morning (which I’ve done more than once…please don’t judge).
3. My husband is the most awesome husband ever. He has been so supportive even through my craziest moments these last few months and each night I can’t wait to get home to him and make him a special dinner, rub his feet or his back or just simply sit with him and talk about our day.
4. A steady job for me at least. I work for the government and have some seniority. I expect to be a lifer here at work. Hubby’s job scares us at times (construction) but at this point he brings home a steady paycheck. Scary to say but if he lost his job and worked all the side work he gets offered, he’d probably make more money, so even if the company he works for goes under we’d do alright.
5. Cooking! I love to cook and would love to take some type of culinary class, that being said I’d never make it as a chef, I have no creativity. But most days I enjoy being in the kitchen whipping up something and I’m so glad hubby has started to share my love for cooking shows. I made some Swedish meatballs last night with mashed potatoes and gravy. I’m not a gravy person, so I just put a little on the side, didn’t swim my meatballs in it. They were okay, the recipe called for nutmeg and allspice, I think it was a bit too much between the two, so I’ll definitely cut back on those next time.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Happy Birthday to me...
I'm 29 today. What a way to celebrate my birthday. My ass didn't leave the couch until about 4:30 p.m.ish when I decided I needed a shower at least. Hubby wanted to take me out for a quick dinner before my classes tonight, so we went to Olive Garden (because I wanted Tiramisu). It was nice to get out. We came home and my back started hurting bad and I'm cramping on the left side where they removed the ectopic, so I'm skipping school. I'm quite the slacker these days.
My weekend was spent resting and we went to my brother-in-law's for dinner to celebrate my birthday. I wanted simple, burgers, fries and Caesar salad. My BIL also made some strawberry banana daiquiris. My mom and dad gave me a gift certificate for a Miche bag, since I've been wanting one along with some cash. I got gift cards and cash from everyone else. The gift cards are all to Bed Bath & Beyond. I told everyone there's a few things I want there, including a pasta pot with a strainer, a new wooden cutting board and I've been eyeing a wooden salad bowl. So I'll be going shopping in the next few weeks.
It's back to work tomorrow, don't know how I'm going to do, but I'll try my best. People know what's going on and I ran into one of my detectives at the grocery store yesterday, he was so kind about it but I'm scared to break into tears in front of people. Our work is tight knit and it got out before I could even keep it a secret, I didn't want people to know, but they do.
I feel so empty right now. I know I wasn't pregnant that long, but I feel like there is just something missing from me. I keep eating, even when I'm not hungry. I feel stuffed, but it's like I just can't shake this feeling. I'm miserable and I just wish it didn't have to be this hard to get pregnant. I'm crying over the littlest thing and feeling ridiculous about everything. Hubby was downstairs yesterday morning, let the dogs out and was going to make breakfast, I was upstairs by myself and I just lost it, I started crying and he ran upstairs to see what was wrong, I can't explain that I just want my baby, I want both of them. I've lost two already and feel like such a failure that I can't do what normal everyday women do all the damn time. My body aches to hold these babies and just be normal. I asked hubby the other night if he thought these babies were girls or boys, he thinks they were both girls. I think the first was a girl but this one would have been a boy.
I told myself I would get off the computer at 9:00 and spend the rest of the evening with my sexy hubby, who I can't have sex with right now :-( So I'm going to go cuddle up next to him and try and forget these pains in my abdomen.
My weekend was spent resting and we went to my brother-in-law's for dinner to celebrate my birthday. I wanted simple, burgers, fries and Caesar salad. My BIL also made some strawberry banana daiquiris. My mom and dad gave me a gift certificate for a Miche bag, since I've been wanting one along with some cash. I got gift cards and cash from everyone else. The gift cards are all to Bed Bath & Beyond. I told everyone there's a few things I want there, including a pasta pot with a strainer, a new wooden cutting board and I've been eyeing a wooden salad bowl. So I'll be going shopping in the next few weeks.
It's back to work tomorrow, don't know how I'm going to do, but I'll try my best. People know what's going on and I ran into one of my detectives at the grocery store yesterday, he was so kind about it but I'm scared to break into tears in front of people. Our work is tight knit and it got out before I could even keep it a secret, I didn't want people to know, but they do.
I feel so empty right now. I know I wasn't pregnant that long, but I feel like there is just something missing from me. I keep eating, even when I'm not hungry. I feel stuffed, but it's like I just can't shake this feeling. I'm miserable and I just wish it didn't have to be this hard to get pregnant. I'm crying over the littlest thing and feeling ridiculous about everything. Hubby was downstairs yesterday morning, let the dogs out and was going to make breakfast, I was upstairs by myself and I just lost it, I started crying and he ran upstairs to see what was wrong, I can't explain that I just want my baby, I want both of them. I've lost two already and feel like such a failure that I can't do what normal everyday women do all the damn time. My body aches to hold these babies and just be normal. I asked hubby the other night if he thought these babies were girls or boys, he thinks they were both girls. I think the first was a girl but this one would have been a boy.
I told myself I would get off the computer at 9:00 and spend the rest of the evening with my sexy hubby, who I can't have sex with right now :-( So I'm going to go cuddle up next to him and try and forget these pains in my abdomen.
Friday, April 9, 2010
So a little more story
Wednesday morning I woke up for my RE consult and I had horrible cramps the night before, was so ready to say screw it, in fact half way through peeing, I changed my mind and was like, "WTH, I have one more test, who cares if I waste it." I got out a cup, peed, tested and left it in the bathroom to check on in a few. I went into the kitchen, washed my hands and started packing DH's lunch (something I started doing a few months ago just cuz). While I was making DH's lunch he says to me, "Didn't you take a test?" Looking back, I think he looked in on it before saying this. I said, "Oh yeah, duh." And figured I'd go check it and chuck it in the trash like normal.
As soon as I saw that faint second line my eyes welled up with tears. I was so excited. I went to the RE, told them and they did bloodwork and said we wouldn't bother with the consult right now. They wanted my beta to be between 50-100. They called that afternoon and said it was a 50! I was ecstatic.
Two days later I went in for another test, they feel they should be up by 70%, not doubled, so they were looking for a beta of 85. It had gone down to a 44. I was devastated and left work because I was so upset. Monday I took off and went again. It went down to a 38 and I started bleeing heavily that day, I stayed home Tuesday also, then Wednesday and Thursday worked half days because my back was killing me halfway through the day. The following Monday I went in for another blood test. It was only down to 23 and my flow was tapering off. The RE called me in for an exam two days later and more bloodwork. When he pushed on my right side I started crying, it hurt that bad. That had been the side where I had the huge egg, he started to suspect it was an ectopic. My bloodwork went back up to a 28. He gave me information on a laprascopy and a shot, Methotrexate and said we would talk the next day (Thursday, 4/22).
Hubby and I discussed it at length, did our own research, wrote down a list of questions and I went back to the office on Thursday. When all was said and done, he suggested the shot, but understood if I wanted the lap instead. We decided on the lap and he decided to also do a D&C. This was all yesterday and today I'm just resting. Lots of liquids, junk food, a heating pad, pain meds and my DVR. Oh and my puppy cuddling up against me, they have such a good sense of when something is wrong.
My experience at the hospital was wonderful, but rather than rehash it, here's an e-mail I sent my BFF this morning:
Wow, I don't even know where to start except that the hospital I went to was wonderful. The nurses had me in tears sometimes from being so kind, from the check-in/check-out nurses, to the pre-op, to the op, and the recovery nurses, they were all wonderful.
We got there and I had already been registered over the phone the day before, so they took me straight into a room. Jeff and Steven got to stay in there with me and watch t.v. and the nurses came in and out to do paperwork, take temp, b/p, etc. and finally put in an IV with fluids.
When I texted you about the IV, they came in right after that and did it, and not long after that they took me up to pre-op. It was two floors up, and there's a waiting room there for family. They let the boys say bye to me and then I laid there for a little while. They came in and got me at about 3ish and by about 3:15 I was out.
Recovery was a little rough, they take out the breathing tube and it makes your throat scratchy. I heard my monitors beeping like crazy and I actually told myself to calm down so that they'd stop beeping so loudly, the only thing I had a hard time controlling was the amount of oxygen I was getting. I had to breathe deep through the tube in my nose and exhale through my mouth. I'd forget and it would go off again. Plus, I knocked my monitor off my finger, so they put it on my toes, but they're painted and it made it hard, so then they put it on my ear to monitor the oxygen.
While laying in recovery, I would have sworn the nurse said they took my left tube and I started crying. When that one came back, she came to the side of the bed and I said, "Did you say they took my left tube?" She said, "Yes," and I started crying. She kept saying I could still get pregnant. She asked if I wanted my husband and I said yes, so they went to get him. She brought him in and I asked him, he said no, that he talked to Dr. Mooney and they said they took the tissue from the embryo out of my left tube, and they had to cut it open to do so but that it would heal itself. Another nurse was standing there and agreed with him, but I said that another nurse had told me that. I was hard to understand and I think the nurses must have been saying they removed the tubal from my left tube, not the tube itself. They also kept saying I was 6 weeks, so I'm assuming that it kept growing, even after all the bleeding the week before.
I was then moved back down to my original room and the boys came along. I had to rest in there for a little bit, had some crackers and Sprite. Then they took out the IV and the boys left so the nurse could take me to the bathroom. She helped me do all that, then called the boys back in.
They have a program where they take the tissue from your removal and cremate it with the other babies people have lost and once a year they have a memorial service. A nurse at that hospital came up with the program after having numerous M/C's herself. They gave me a packet with pamphlets for me, Jeff, our parents, anyone who would deal with grief from it, information on support groups and meetings and a small baby quilt.We had to go get my RX's filled and while at the store I got Sprite (something different than all the ice water!) little chocolate carmel candies, a lunch for today to heat in the microwave and breakfast sandwiches for this morning. Jeff had to leave and do some things, so he made my breakfast (one of the sandwiches, an orange and some milk) before he left, but now I'm just resting in bed.
We came home and had dinner (I was STARVING) and had made pork ribs in the crockpot and mashed potatoes. We just laid on the couch and recliner and watched movies.
Okay, that was a lot longer than I expected, lol. I'm going to lay down and rest now. Talk to you soon.
As soon as I saw that faint second line my eyes welled up with tears. I was so excited. I went to the RE, told them and they did bloodwork and said we wouldn't bother with the consult right now. They wanted my beta to be between 50-100. They called that afternoon and said it was a 50! I was ecstatic.
Two days later I went in for another test, they feel they should be up by 70%, not doubled, so they were looking for a beta of 85. It had gone down to a 44. I was devastated and left work because I was so upset. Monday I took off and went again. It went down to a 38 and I started bleeing heavily that day, I stayed home Tuesday also, then Wednesday and Thursday worked half days because my back was killing me halfway through the day. The following Monday I went in for another blood test. It was only down to 23 and my flow was tapering off. The RE called me in for an exam two days later and more bloodwork. When he pushed on my right side I started crying, it hurt that bad. That had been the side where I had the huge egg, he started to suspect it was an ectopic. My bloodwork went back up to a 28. He gave me information on a laprascopy and a shot, Methotrexate and said we would talk the next day (Thursday, 4/22).
Hubby and I discussed it at length, did our own research, wrote down a list of questions and I went back to the office on Thursday. When all was said and done, he suggested the shot, but understood if I wanted the lap instead. We decided on the lap and he decided to also do a D&C. This was all yesterday and today I'm just resting. Lots of liquids, junk food, a heating pad, pain meds and my DVR. Oh and my puppy cuddling up against me, they have such a good sense of when something is wrong.
My experience at the hospital was wonderful, but rather than rehash it, here's an e-mail I sent my BFF this morning:
Wow, I don't even know where to start except that the hospital I went to was wonderful. The nurses had me in tears sometimes from being so kind, from the check-in/check-out nurses, to the pre-op, to the op, and the recovery nurses, they were all wonderful.
We got there and I had already been registered over the phone the day before, so they took me straight into a room. Jeff and Steven got to stay in there with me and watch t.v. and the nurses came in and out to do paperwork, take temp, b/p, etc. and finally put in an IV with fluids.
When I texted you about the IV, they came in right after that and did it, and not long after that they took me up to pre-op. It was two floors up, and there's a waiting room there for family. They let the boys say bye to me and then I laid there for a little while. They came in and got me at about 3ish and by about 3:15 I was out.
Recovery was a little rough, they take out the breathing tube and it makes your throat scratchy. I heard my monitors beeping like crazy and I actually told myself to calm down so that they'd stop beeping so loudly, the only thing I had a hard time controlling was the amount of oxygen I was getting. I had to breathe deep through the tube in my nose and exhale through my mouth. I'd forget and it would go off again. Plus, I knocked my monitor off my finger, so they put it on my toes, but they're painted and it made it hard, so then they put it on my ear to monitor the oxygen.
While laying in recovery, I would have sworn the nurse said they took my left tube and I started crying. When that one came back, she came to the side of the bed and I said, "Did you say they took my left tube?" She said, "Yes," and I started crying. She kept saying I could still get pregnant. She asked if I wanted my husband and I said yes, so they went to get him. She brought him in and I asked him, he said no, that he talked to Dr. Mooney and they said they took the tissue from the embryo out of my left tube, and they had to cut it open to do so but that it would heal itself. Another nurse was standing there and agreed with him, but I said that another nurse had told me that. I was hard to understand and I think the nurses must have been saying they removed the tubal from my left tube, not the tube itself. They also kept saying I was 6 weeks, so I'm assuming that it kept growing, even after all the bleeding the week before.
I was then moved back down to my original room and the boys came along. I had to rest in there for a little bit, had some crackers and Sprite. Then they took out the IV and the boys left so the nurse could take me to the bathroom. She helped me do all that, then called the boys back in.
They have a program where they take the tissue from your removal and cremate it with the other babies people have lost and once a year they have a memorial service. A nurse at that hospital came up with the program after having numerous M/C's herself. They gave me a packet with pamphlets for me, Jeff, our parents, anyone who would deal with grief from it, information on support groups and meetings and a small baby quilt.We had to go get my RX's filled and while at the store I got Sprite (something different than all the ice water!) little chocolate carmel candies, a lunch for today to heat in the microwave and breakfast sandwiches for this morning. Jeff had to leave and do some things, so he made my breakfast (one of the sandwiches, an orange and some milk) before he left, but now I'm just resting in bed.
We came home and had dinner (I was STARVING) and had made pork ribs in the crockpot and mashed potatoes. We just laid on the couch and recliner and watched movies.
Okay, that was a lot longer than I expected, lol. I'm going to lay down and rest now. Talk to you soon.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
OMG People! We have a BFP!!!
Dear Baby Chick,
Wow, I can’t believe you’re in there. We were so surprised to find out about you yesterday, we just weren’t expecting much of anything this month and there you were. I woke up early yesterday and forgot I was supposed to take a test before my doctor’s appointment. Last minute I grabbed one, took the test and went in the kitchen (of course washing my hands first!) and started packing daddy’s lunch. In fact daddy’s the one who reminded me that I had taken a test in the first place (duh!). So I walked back down the hall to the bathroom and found two little pink lines staring back at me. I just looked up at your daddy and started crying. I was so happy, the tears just poured and I loved you so much in that very instant. We couldn’t be happier to know our baby chick was in there!
This morning daddy and I were talking and he told me he doesn’t want me to get too excited about you yet (how could I not?!?!?!?) and I said “No!” I told him we are going to be excited just like other couples are and hope for the best. He was in the shower so he started splashing me with the water and said, “Okay, we’ll celebrate! Here’s your confetti!” I couldn’t stop giggling. Your daddy is constantly making me laugh; I hope you get that trait from him. He’s so smart and quick to come up with things.
There is a part of me that wants to fast forward and know you’re okay in there but at the same time I’m not going to wish away this pregnancy, yes I’ll be dying to meet you in December but at the same time I want to enjoy every day I have holding onto you and loving you like no one else could (well except of course your dad).
Tomorrow I have more blood work to check on you. You better be okay in there! I’ll be four weeks tomorrow and can’t wait to hear how you are doing.
I love you so much baby chick.
Love, Mama
Wow, I can’t believe you’re in there. We were so surprised to find out about you yesterday, we just weren’t expecting much of anything this month and there you were. I woke up early yesterday and forgot I was supposed to take a test before my doctor’s appointment. Last minute I grabbed one, took the test and went in the kitchen (of course washing my hands first!) and started packing daddy’s lunch. In fact daddy’s the one who reminded me that I had taken a test in the first place (duh!). So I walked back down the hall to the bathroom and found two little pink lines staring back at me. I just looked up at your daddy and started crying. I was so happy, the tears just poured and I loved you so much in that very instant. We couldn’t be happier to know our baby chick was in there!
This morning daddy and I were talking and he told me he doesn’t want me to get too excited about you yet (how could I not?!?!?!?) and I said “No!” I told him we are going to be excited just like other couples are and hope for the best. He was in the shower so he started splashing me with the water and said, “Okay, we’ll celebrate! Here’s your confetti!” I couldn’t stop giggling. Your daddy is constantly making me laugh; I hope you get that trait from him. He’s so smart and quick to come up with things.
There is a part of me that wants to fast forward and know you’re okay in there but at the same time I’m not going to wish away this pregnancy, yes I’ll be dying to meet you in December but at the same time I want to enjoy every day I have holding onto you and loving you like no one else could (well except of course your dad).
Tomorrow I have more blood work to check on you. You better be okay in there! I’ll be four weeks tomorrow and can’t wait to hear how you are doing.
I love you so much baby chick.
Love, Mama
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
It's been awhile!
I'm a bad blogger, I know. It's just been a rough go the past few months. I'm not doing too hot on the weight thing, I'm back up to 213. Never thought I'd see that number this morning. The first month on Clomid with the RE and doing the trigger shot was a bust. I'm thinking this month is a bust too. I've been bleeding for 28 days except of course the CD16 & CD17 where I got my trigger shot and was happy for a day afterwards. Then on our drive to Florida for spring break I started spotting. So today marks CD28 and I haven't seen anything yet to say that I still have AF, it usually isn't prominent first thing in the morning, it takes a few hours to show up, then is here for the remainder of the day.
I have a consult with my RE tomorrow. We're going to discuss other options, from what the nurse said a few weeks ago they want to move onto injectibles. I had my trigger shot 12 days ago. So they wanted me to take a pregnancy test before coming in for the consult tomorrow but I'm not going to bother since I bled this entire month.
Here's a story I shared with my BFF thinking this may be the cycle for me...
Okay, so I'm really weird with dates and numbers, like I always play games with numbers in my head and I remember weird dates.
Our dating anniversary is 2/25 and you would not believe how many people have that for a birthday when I'm entering tickets or arrest reports or whatever at work. I notice it all the time. So one day I thought to myself that maybe I just notice it because it has significance to me. So I picked out a date to see how often it comes up when I do paperwork at work. I chose 12/16 and I NEVER SEE IT. But I think about it all the time when I'm entering stuff.
IF I do okay, get my trigger shot and O at Thursday's appointment and get pregnant, my due date will be 12/16/10.
But now that I shared this with you and shared it with hubby earlier today (he said I'm just plain crazy) I've probably jinxed myself.
But I'm back on the WW wagon now, I really think my weight is what is keeping me from O'ing and if I can lose some and get healthier, than I may just be able to get pregnant myself instead of pumping hormones into my body all the damn time.
This week is rough, school, working extra at part-time job, and working at full-time job. I have tons of homework coming up due for one of my classes, but next week I'd like to get back into running.
I ordered some dresses online for hubby's cousin's wedding in May. They are gorgeous and I can't decide which one. I only ordered the second one becuase the first one looked like it may have too much "white" in it, but I couldn't tell if it was white or cream online, colors are so deceiving on the computer. Well so I ordered a black dress with a white trim on the shoulders and a sash on it, just as a backup. Well the dress I was so worried about turned out to be a tan color, it looks fabulous, but then I tried the other one on just for funsies and it looks great too. So hubby said he likes the tan one and I agree but I'm going to take them to the in-law's this weekend and have my SIL and neice give their opinions.
I have a consult with my RE tomorrow. We're going to discuss other options, from what the nurse said a few weeks ago they want to move onto injectibles. I had my trigger shot 12 days ago. So they wanted me to take a pregnancy test before coming in for the consult tomorrow but I'm not going to bother since I bled this entire month.
Here's a story I shared with my BFF thinking this may be the cycle for me...
Okay, so I'm really weird with dates and numbers, like I always play games with numbers in my head and I remember weird dates.
Our dating anniversary is 2/25 and you would not believe how many people have that for a birthday when I'm entering tickets or arrest reports or whatever at work. I notice it all the time. So one day I thought to myself that maybe I just notice it because it has significance to me. So I picked out a date to see how often it comes up when I do paperwork at work. I chose 12/16 and I NEVER SEE IT. But I think about it all the time when I'm entering stuff.
IF I do okay, get my trigger shot and O at Thursday's appointment and get pregnant, my due date will be 12/16/10.
But now that I shared this with you and shared it with hubby earlier today (he said I'm just plain crazy) I've probably jinxed myself.
But I'm back on the WW wagon now, I really think my weight is what is keeping me from O'ing and if I can lose some and get healthier, than I may just be able to get pregnant myself instead of pumping hormones into my body all the damn time.
This week is rough, school, working extra at part-time job, and working at full-time job. I have tons of homework coming up due for one of my classes, but next week I'd like to get back into running.
I ordered some dresses online for hubby's cousin's wedding in May. They are gorgeous and I can't decide which one. I only ordered the second one becuase the first one looked like it may have too much "white" in it, but I couldn't tell if it was white or cream online, colors are so deceiving on the computer. Well so I ordered a black dress with a white trim on the shoulders and a sash on it, just as a backup. Well the dress I was so worried about turned out to be a tan color, it looks fabulous, but then I tried the other one on just for funsies and it looks great too. So hubby said he likes the tan one and I agree but I'm going to take them to the in-law's this weekend and have my SIL and neice give their opinions.
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