Fall is here!

Well, maybe just at Dunkin' Donuts, but still. Hubby and I went to my RE appointment this morning (big fail there) but our ritual is to stop at the Dunkin' Donuts right before we get on the highway to go to the RE and grab some coffee. I normally just get the iced caramel latte but today they had all their pumpkin stuff! So of course I had to get a pumpkin cake donut (Oh em gee) and a hot pumpkin latte. Yum on both fronts!

RE appointment didn't go as well. I had my HSG on Monday. My left tube (where the ectopic was at) is clear BUT my right tube is now blocked, which was fine last October...WTF. Today is only CD12 and there wasn't a lot of progress from the Femara, so I go back on CD15, this Saturday. I had a good cry fest on Monday but I'm okay today with things. I'll be fine, as someone on The Bump pointed out, I still have a clear tube, that's all that matters.

I'm so excited that it's fall time. I dread the cold of winter but there's just something about fall that gets me excited. The crispness in the air, the smell of bonfires, pumpkins, going to haunted houses, festivals, it's just all so refreshing. My niece is in the high school marching band and we help out on Friday nights at the games for her and I so look forward to that, this is the last year since she's a senior so it's bittersweet. I'm hoping my love of all things fall related will help me through these next couple of months.

Latest for Project Baby Making

Well the consult with the RE was a little depressing. Basically I've developed a Clomid resistance, I mean who wouldn't have after 11 cycles (13 if you count the two cycles within a cycle...). Our next option is Femara, starting off at 5mg/day for five days (lowest is 2.5mg and highest is 7.5mg). I started it this past Monday and haven't really noticed anything different YET.

I also have another HSG scheduled for next week. The doctor wants to make sure my left tube healed properly after my ectopic. I have been praying non-stop that it's okay and just want Monday to be over and done with. It's mid-day but I took the afternoon off and Hubby and I are going to go out to lunch and maybe see a movie, just spend some quality time together.

I also have a follie check coming up on Wednesday. I'm curious to see how well I respond to Femara (fingers crossed!!!!).

I just want a take home baby.

Vegas

Hubby and I got married in Vegas. It's not the conventional way of doing things but Hubby and I aren't really that conventional I guess.

Hubby and I had a rather rocky engagement. I went a little stir crazy with my life, asked him to move out of the house and was single for about a month before I realized he was the most important thing in my life and I couldn't imagine myself as an old women and NOT having him by my side. I still choke up thinking about the mistake I could have made.

I was brought up Catholic and he was brought up, well, he was just brought up. So when we went about planning our wedding day, we decided to get married by the mayor of the city I worked for and have our ceremony and reception at the same hall. I booked the hall, a photographer and some other things. When we got back together, the wedding was scheduled for in about 9 months and we didn't want to try and stress ourselves out by planning anymore and kind of gave up on the idea for a little bit. On New Year's Eve that year we spent the night at my now BIL's house. I had a dream of racing around a mall to finish up wedding planning on a Friday afternoon. Let's just say that we ended up with a cupcake tower in my dream. I don't know why but the dream made me feel as though I was finally ready to get married, so we started planning AGAIN. By the end of February we couldn't handle the pressure. Talking with my soon-to-be BIL and SIL, we realized we were letting the stress get to us and we didn't want this to be about anyone but the two of us. We decided to do a destination wedding for the same time.

Two days later we sat at home looking at our options, knowing we wanted our parents there for us and decided our best bet for that was in the states and chose our favorite vacation spot, Vegas!

I wouldn't take anything back about that day (well maybe feeding my step-son three Starbucks Frappacinos and having him puke during pictures). It was a gorgeous day, my parents were there, my life as Mrs. Smith started that day, how could it get better?

200mg of Clomid makes a girl crazy

I kinda fell off the face of the Earth after my ectopic pregnancy in April. I think I’m better now and we are back on the band wagon of Project Baby Making.

Clomid is the devil. It really is. While I'm frustrated it hasn't worked, I'm grateful that this is my last cycle on it. I think my RE decided to do this as a Hail Mary. I have a consult on Thursday to move onto more expensive bigger and better drugs.

This cycle has been the roughest one yet. I’m exhausted. I not only have the hot flashes to the point that the backs of my knees break out in a sweat…ummmm ew! I have the night sweats. It’s disgusting. I’m sleeping practically naked with an air conditioner and two fans blowing right on me. Hubby comes to bed and I usually throw a leg up on top of him (for some reason that’s the only way I can fall asleep) and he can’t stand it, says I’m burning up. But when I take my temperature I’m not running a fever. This is the most bizarre thing!!!

I constantly feel like I’m going to pass out from sheer exhaustion…How the hell do they expect people to get pregnant if they’re too tired to have sex??? My BFF suggested this morning that I go to bed early tonight with a book and relax. That would be a GREAT idea if I was going to be home, but I’m not. I signed up for extra shifts. Tonight I work until 11:30 p.m. Tomorrow? I work my normal shift 8-4:30 (leaving at 3:30 for my acupuncture) and then off to my extra job from 5:15-11:30. Tuesday night I have a work dinner and Wednesday night I told my mom I would take her and my grandma to the movies – Can you say spread too thin? I’m counting down the days to my mini vacation – Thursday to Sunday. I’m not answering work e-mails or discussing work with any of my friends from work. Those four days are gonna be about me, Hubby and step-son. Thursday we have the consult in the morning, I’m getting the oil changed in Hubby’s vehicle in the afternoon, Friday I’m going to clean the house up, Saturday we’re going shopping in Pennsylvania and Sunday we are RELAXING!

Hubby and I went to the RE’s this morning – up and early on a Sunday morning, I know how to party – for a follicle check on CD13. Wanna know how it went? Waste.Of.Time. They didn’t even tell me measurements of my follies (there were “many”) because they were so small. I go back in two days to follow up and hope that some of them grow in the next two days. In the mean time I get to come home and be a crazy bitch of a wife.

I started acupuncture, I figured why the hell not. I’ve gone four times and while I don’t know how well it’s working, I feel more energy and as crazy as I’ve been, I have to say it has helped with the crazies.

I had an interesting discussion on Facebook with my boss’ husband. He sent me a message saying he heard from his wife I’m trying to get pregnant. He suggested the power of prayer. Pray for patience to deal with this. I’m trying, but I can’t say it’s the easiest thing I’ve done, anyone who knows me knows I’m impatient in every aspect of my life, but I’m trying. Nothing can hurt, right?

Thankful Thursday

I’ve been down in the dumps lately and thought maybe I should say what I’m thankful for and remind myself all that I have in life.

1. My iPod Touch. The thing is glued to me. I used to stress when I’d get stuck at a train on the way to work but now I just have it there and can play a game while waiting and keep myself calm. I listen to the music all day long and in the evening it’s so much easier to check Facebook, etc. through that then getting out my clunky laptop, which the laptop seems to make time disappear magically.

2. My BFF. I haven’t seen her since she got married in September 2006 but talk to her without almost every single day. I can tell her anything and know she’s not judging me and will help me through the latest crisis whether it be my IF or something as simple as putting on two different shoes in the morning (which I’ve done more than once…please don’t judge).

3. My husband is the most awesome husband ever. He has been so supportive even through my craziest moments these last few months and each night I can’t wait to get home to him and make him a special dinner, rub his feet or his back or just simply sit with him and talk about our day.

4. A steady job for me at least. I work for the government and have some seniority. I expect to be a lifer here at work. Hubby’s job scares us at times (construction) but at this point he brings home a steady paycheck. Scary to say but if he lost his job and worked all the side work he gets offered, he’d probably make more money, so even if the company he works for goes under we’d do alright.

5. Cooking! I love to cook and would love to take some type of culinary class, that being said I’d never make it as a chef, I have no creativity. But most days I enjoy being in the kitchen whipping up something and I’m so glad hubby has started to share my love for cooking shows. I made some Swedish meatballs last night with mashed potatoes and gravy. I’m not a gravy person, so I just put a little on the side, didn’t swim my meatballs in it. They were okay, the recipe called for nutmeg and allspice, I think it was a bit too much between the two, so I’ll definitely cut back on those next time.

Happy Birthday to me...

I'm 29 today. What a way to celebrate my birthday. My ass didn't leave the couch until about 4:30 p.m.ish when I decided I needed a shower at least. Hubby wanted to take me out for a quick dinner before my classes tonight, so we went to Olive Garden (because I wanted Tiramisu). It was nice to get out. We came home and my back started hurting bad and I'm cramping on the left side where they removed the ectopic, so I'm skipping school. I'm quite the slacker these days.

My weekend was spent resting and we went to my brother-in-law's for dinner to celebrate my birthday. I wanted simple, burgers, fries and Caesar salad. My BIL also made some strawberry banana daiquiris. My mom and dad gave me a gift certificate for a Miche bag, since I've been wanting one along with some cash. I got gift cards and cash from everyone else. The gift cards are all to Bed Bath & Beyond. I told everyone there's a few things I want there, including a pasta pot with a strainer, a new wooden cutting board and I've been eyeing a wooden salad bowl. So I'll be going shopping in the next few weeks.

It's back to work tomorrow, don't know how I'm going to do, but I'll try my best. People know what's going on and I ran into one of my detectives at the grocery store yesterday, he was so kind about it but I'm scared to break into tears in front of people. Our work is tight knit and it got out before I could even keep it a secret, I didn't want people to know, but they do.

I feel so empty right now. I know I wasn't pregnant that long, but I feel like there is just something missing from me. I keep eating, even when I'm not hungry. I feel stuffed, but it's like I just can't shake this feeling. I'm miserable and I just wish it didn't have to be this hard to get pregnant. I'm crying over the littlest thing and feeling ridiculous about everything. Hubby was downstairs yesterday morning, let the dogs out and was going to make breakfast, I was upstairs by myself and I just lost it, I started crying and he ran upstairs to see what was wrong, I can't explain that I just want my baby, I want both of them. I've lost two already and feel like such a failure that I can't do what normal everyday women do all the damn time. My body aches to hold these babies and just be normal. I asked hubby the other night if he thought these babies were girls or boys, he thinks they were both girls. I think the first was a girl but this one would have been a boy.

I told myself I would get off the computer at 9:00 and spend the rest of the evening with my sexy hubby, who I can't have sex with right now :-( So I'm going to go cuddle up next to him and try and forget these pains in my abdomen.

So a little more story

Wednesday morning I woke up for my RE consult and I had horrible cramps the night before, was so ready to say screw it, in fact half way through peeing, I changed my mind and was like, "WTH, I have one more test, who cares if I waste it." I got out a cup, peed, tested and left it in the bathroom to check on in a few. I went into the kitchen, washed my hands and started packing DH's lunch (something I started doing a few months ago just cuz). While I was making DH's lunch he says to me, "Didn't you take a test?" Looking back, I think he looked in on it before saying this. I said, "Oh yeah, duh." And figured I'd go check it and chuck it in the trash like normal.


As soon as I saw that faint second line my eyes welled up with tears. I was so excited. I went to the RE, told them and they did bloodwork and said we wouldn't bother with the consult right now. They wanted my beta to be between 50-100. They called that afternoon and said it was a 50! I was ecstatic.

Two days later I went in for another test, they feel they should be up by 70%, not doubled, so they were looking for a beta of 85. It had gone down to a 44. I was devastated and left work because I was so upset. Monday I took off and went again. It went down to a 38 and I started bleeing heavily that day, I stayed home Tuesday also, then Wednesday and Thursday worked half days because my back was killing me halfway through the day. The following Monday I went in for another blood test. It was only down to 23 and my flow was tapering off. The RE called me in for an exam two days later and more bloodwork. When he pushed on my right side I started crying, it hurt that bad. That had been the side where I had the huge egg, he started to suspect it was an ectopic. My bloodwork went back up to a 28. He gave me information on a laprascopy and a shot, Methotrexate and said we would talk the next day (Thursday, 4/22).

Hubby and I discussed it at length, did our own research, wrote down a list of questions and I went back to the office on Thursday. When all was said and done, he suggested the shot, but understood if I wanted the lap instead. We decided on the lap and he decided to also do a D&C. This was all yesterday and today I'm just resting. Lots of liquids, junk food, a heating pad, pain meds and my DVR. Oh and my puppy cuddling up against me, they have such a good sense of when something is wrong.

My experience at the hospital was wonderful, but rather than rehash it, here's an e-mail I sent my BFF this morning:

Wow, I don't even know where to start except that the hospital I went to was wonderful. The nurses had me in tears sometimes from being so kind, from the check-in/check-out nurses, to the pre-op, to the op, and the recovery nurses, they were all wonderful.

We got there and I had already been registered over the phone the day before, so they took me straight into a room. Jeff and Steven got to stay in there with me and watch t.v. and the nurses came in and out to do paperwork, take temp, b/p, etc. and finally put in an IV with fluids.

When I texted you about the IV, they came in right after that and did it, and not long after that they took me up to pre-op. It was two floors up, and there's a waiting room there for family. They let the boys say bye to me and then I laid there for a little while. They came in and got me at about 3ish and by about 3:15 I was out.

Recovery was a little rough, they take out the breathing tube and it makes your throat scratchy. I heard my monitors beeping like crazy and I actually told myself to calm down so that they'd stop beeping so loudly, the only thing I had a hard time controlling was the amount of oxygen I was getting. I had to breathe deep through the tube in my nose and exhale through my mouth. I'd forget and it would go off again. Plus, I knocked my monitor off my finger, so they put it on my toes, but they're painted and it made it hard, so then they put it on my ear to monitor the oxygen.

While laying in recovery, I would have sworn the nurse said they took my left tube and I started crying. When that one came back, she came to the side of the bed and I said, "Did you say they took my left tube?" She said, "Yes," and I started crying. She kept saying I could still get pregnant. She asked if I wanted my husband and I said yes, so they went to get him. She brought him in and I asked him, he said no, that he talked to Dr. Mooney and they said they took the tissue from the embryo out of my left tube, and they had to cut it open to do so but that it would heal itself. Another nurse was standing there and agreed with him, but I said that another nurse had told me that. I was hard to understand and I think the nurses must have been saying they removed the tubal from my left tube, not the tube itself. They also kept saying I was 6 weeks, so I'm assuming that it kept growing, even after all the bleeding the week before.

I was then moved back down to my original room and the boys came along. I had to rest in there for a little bit, had some crackers and Sprite. Then they took out the IV and the boys left so the nurse could take me to the bathroom. She helped me do all that, then called the boys back in.

They have a program where they take the tissue from your removal and cremate it with the other babies people have lost and once a year they have a memorial service. A nurse at that hospital came up with the program after having numerous M/C's herself. They gave me a packet with pamphlets for me, Jeff, our parents, anyone who would deal with grief from it, information on support groups and meetings and a small baby quilt.We had to go get my RX's filled and while at the store I got Sprite (something different than all the ice water!) little chocolate carmel candies, a lunch for today to heat in the microwave and breakfast sandwiches for this morning. Jeff had to leave and do some things, so he made my breakfast (one of the sandwiches, an orange and some milk) before he left, but now I'm just resting in bed.

We came home and had dinner (I was STARVING) and had made pork ribs in the crockpot and mashed potatoes. We just laid on the couch and recliner and watched movies.

Okay, that was a lot longer than I expected, lol. I'm going to lay down and rest now. Talk to you soon.